Sunny Side UP

Then there are days that are good ~ not because of any spectacular happening but because you take stock of your life and gratitude washes over you, and you think just maybe I am on track after all.

The children didn’t fight with each other, the man you love held you, the roses are blooming, there was a late afternoon thunderstorm and I lay on my bed looking out of the windows watching the rain.

Because of this I am able to shelve all the things that will have to be dealt with that I am not looking forward to ~ I have learnt a new skill! I have discovered that you really can put things aside for a day or a weekend, I can acknowledge their existence and say today you don’t get any head space because today I have other things to do and other things to think about and in due course you will get your turn, you will have my attention when it is appropriate but for now you shall not hang over me like the Sword of Damocles.

I have also learnt a new game to paly with myself ~ I choose three “happy” words like Rejoice, Delight, Glorious, Bliss, Joy, Untroubled, Content ~

and during the course of my day I slip them into the conversations I have,  it reminds me of what is good and to talk about it. It is truly amazing how if you determinedly steer your conversations toward a topic where you might be able to use a word like Jubilant where the path your interactions will take you, how the people you speak to will respond in kind.

This much I know is true – people wound swop, if you talk about some dreadful experience the person you are talking to is socially conditioned to respond in kind, they will dredge their memory if necessary to produce and match you an oranges of oranges tale of woe. The same is true of  pleasure, joy and happiness. 

Redemption Song

How do you loose faith? In god or people in science or medicine. You feel let down …betrayed, an expectation that you think is reasonable goes unfulfilled. It’s a this very moment that I little piece of you breaks, it will never return, never grow back – it is gone. You have lost faith. Not all of it, but some. You cant measure the loss you can only feel it.

I knew a woman, her husband was a serial philanderer, years and affairs and yet more years and more women, had left her bitter, dark and cold. I didn’t understand her then but I do now.

Years and years of lies, broken promises, hope shattered again and again – she lost her faith, in her husband, in other woman, in the men that lied for him, in herself for hoping and believing, she stopped believing in happiness. Her heart was broken open and all that was good seemed to have spilled out to be replaced by a bitterness. “ I was a good loving caring wife and mother I should have been rewarded with a measure of happiness – I was rewarded with pain and lies therefore belief in a value system that punishes the good and rewards the wicked means there is no “true” measure of people and reward – there is nothing to believe in.

I know a couple that lost a son, they were broken hearted and could not find their God in this new son-less world, its been 12 years and they still cannot find their god anymore than they can find their son.  The years have slipped by one after the other marked only by the days that bring more pain… birthdays, deathdays, Christmas. Their faith forever shattered. “We were good simple people our son was the light of our lives if there was a god he would not take our son from us ergo there cannot be a god”

And me how and what faith have I lost..? some days people, the people I have loved that have lied that have betrayed me with duplicity ~ that somehow believed that the love I had for them was not one of acceptance and perhaps they were right because here we stand –estranged angry bitter. And as my mind swirls around remembering, seeing as if for the first time the lies the tricks, the accusations and the denials, I wonder again and again what did you want me for? I thought we were friends, comrades, compatriots, but you knew the truth – so set me free once and for all tell me what it was..Did I protect you? Give you money? Act as a cover? Of what use was I to you? Did it not exhaust you keeping up with the double dealing, remembering the falsehoods as they accumulated? Did you live in fear of what people would tell me? You need not have I always believed you, but then you knew I would.

The anger, the resentment the rage I carry – its not just for you but is for me also. My naivety, my willingness to believe every word you fed me – all evidence to the contrary. For you this is what I resent – you took away my choice. My choice to stay or to leave. You were people I trusted, people I loved in all of this I have lost some faith in humanity and this I grieve.

Is their salvation for any of us? Can we find again that which we have lost?

For the bitter and broken woman is it the love of a good man or perhaps the oblivion of the bottle ? For the lost couple will they see god again in the lives of their grandchildren or only when death calls to them?

And foe me where is my salvation ~ in the love of the others, in the kind gentle healing hands of friends in learning to see what healthy relationships are. In each day spent in truth and honesty. These things are like the waves of the ocean washing away the hurt, cleansing that which has been soiled and returning the sands of my soul to the sate of faith.

The lesson ~ We can all loose our faith and we can have it returned to us, as death is balanced by life, as betrayal is forgotten in the face undying loyalty, as lies turn to ash in the light of truth. If we have to courage to allow the healing, the courage to love again, the courage to believe and the faith to trust.

Things That I learnt in 2011

CODA – I learnt that I was a not anonymous co-dependent, through peer counseling and regular weekly meetings I have discovered a great deal about myself, and my behavior. I am now able to recognize the difference between healthy and unhealthy interactions with people and relationships.

I discovered Pinterest (www,pinterest.com) and am now an avid “pinner” all the images, quotes, pictures, ideas – everything I see and love on the internet  are no longer in jumbled folders on my computer, but are collected and pinned on my boards.

I learnt the difference between anxiety and excitement

I learnt when tested I really do value loyalty and friendship over money – and I liked myself for that.

I learned that life happens around you more than it happens to you and that you can respond as you choose – I re-affirmed for myself that doing or saying nothing is as much a powerful choice as wadding in guns blazing.

I made some new friends and let go of some old ones and was pleased with the acquisition and ok with the loss.

I accepted the seasons of living and allowed change

I learnt that sometimes it is not best for me to be in control!

When someone dear told me that the most important thing was to be around good people – I heard them, they said it didn’t matter so much how rich. how beautiful, how smart or how witty, that without being good people at the base of it all none of the other qualities were worth anything.

I learnt that few things give me as much pleasure as watching other people do what they want while allowing the people around them to enjoy the same freedom.

I learnt that the difference between good people and sociopaths can simply be the absence of compassion. That compassion is as vital and ingredient to a person as cocoa is to good chocolate

I practiced learning through pleasure and not only pain.

I rediscovered the depth of my love for BBC period drama’s

I learnt that being self indulgent can include taking great care of your mind and body  and that you are in-fact indulging the needs and wants of the self with the odd vitamin pill or walk  .

I discovered Italy and it was worth waiting for. Italy and the company of good woman can heal anything.

I experienced the love of a good man and saw not only myself but my children blossom beneath the warmth and light of his love. I saw to that he to was happy and healthy with me, that my love for him was healing and restorative.

I learnt to put down the things in my life that have been complicated and draining and although I know that this maybe an ongoing – for the moment I know simplicity, and stretches of serenity.

I have turned again to the making of bread, and know that this has been a constant in my life for as long as I can remember. That it grounds me and makes me feel whole. That I still find yeast to be as magical as I always did but that now with greater maturity I understand its nature and am not afraid of it, that I know it will work and how it will work

To be or not to be ~ that is the question

I don’t want to get involved ~ said the witness to the victim, said the German to the Jew, said the UN to the Tutsi,  said the coward…

I find this to be one of my least favorite statements, responding, replying, standing up, voting, sitting in, praying, dancing, teaching, learning, giving and receiving, loving and hating, being loved and despised.  Being. Doing. Feeling this is the “matter” of life, this is being involved , involved with life is being involved with people.

Sometimes this translates into bearing witness to an accident and giving a fair, honest and impartial account, what it really means is that possibly hours of your time will be wasted as you plod your way through some bureaucratic statement given in triplicate. It means that precious time that you had potentially allotted to some other enterprise is being lost to you for absolutely no personal gain or benefit  NONE, except this…. You got involved, you participated in being part of a society, of your community, you gave of yourself for the benefit of the greater good. With the belief somewhere inside you that the Great of which you are a part will do the same for you. That if you are broken down, someone will get involved long enough to help you, if you are attacked someone will set aside whatever they are doing and come to you aid, if you cry foul a community will hear you. From the highest part of your mind to the instincts that sit low in the cradle of your stomach you know that in order for this to work we all have to get involved, be involved, participate.

If Humanity, society, our community, our family – is a tapestry, & the base cloth is shared values, by being involved we keep this foundation fabric strong we continue to weave the rich patterns of our lives upon this underpinning . It means that we have this shared amorphous material in which we can wrap ourselves against cold or pain or grief, - in hard times humanity has empathy for our plight. There is a man in my community that lost his wife in child birth, I think of him every day and when he comes into my mind I wish for him a moment of peace , I know that there are hundreds of other people  in this community who don’t know & have never met this man, but that they to think of him and as he is thought of by strangers he is cradled for a moment in the love of mankind.

That we can string it high and set sail knowing that as a people who believe in the same very basic truths we have the support of each other person ~ where ever we might be. That these basic tenants we agree upon are the very things that make us human – to shun cruelty, abuse, and violence, and to embrace kindness, fairness and love does not require us to sign an agreement or belong to the same religion. It is quite simply the things that make us human. And in our shared humanity I will stand up to the abuser and be the voice for the child and in so doing I know that all of you are standing next to me shoulder to shoulder. That when next you speak out against a cruelty they you will do so with the courage that there are battalions of people who are behind you, then when anyone of us stands up for one of shared values we will not fee l alone but feel empowered that today is my day to be the voice for us all, but should I flounder in the face on adversity another of the number will step forward and take the baton.

This is the collective, this is being involved, this is being a person and this really is living